Why Am I Not Progressing on my Yogic Path?
by Vikky Santana
This has been a week of the results from my yoga practice coming back to me through the people I have been engaged with for years. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like I’m “doing it right and fast enough.” The path creates such incremental changes that at times, we can’t even see them. This morning my daughter helped me realize there are times on the path that we are not supposed to be changing but standing still enough so that others can latch on to the light within us. If you ever feel that you’re not progressing fast or well enough look around you. There may be someone around you needing you that has a completely different opinion of your progress. Here’s an exchange this morning between Bailey and I…
During our 30 minute commute to Bailey’s school, she blurted out, I have to change schools!!! A lot of responses flooded my mind but I detached from the moment and observed. She listed five reasons why she needed to leave all of which added up to her feeling of being overwhelmed. I took another deep breath but stayed silent. Then I asked, these are emotions and they are temporary even though they FEEL VERY REAL. Why do you “think” you feel these emotions? Because I’m dumb and can’t keep up. Really? Well your GPA says differently so let’s go deeper. You’re thinking of running away from a situation that is stressing you out. Do you believe that this will fix the feeling of being overwhelmed long term? No she said but I don’t know what to do. I could see her face all scrunched up with tension.
I asked her if she was frightened to tell me this? Yes but you always help me figure stuff out so I decided to ignore the fear and tell you. Your energy makes me happy. I’m happiest when I am with you and we are talking, singing, laughing and yes even when you are nagging me about stuff I haven’t done or mistakes I’ve made. I want to learn to be and stay happy. (This broke my heart that at this young age someone can actually be feeling pain and wanting to make happiness a priority. More silence. More detachment and dispassion from MY emotions because I knew that would cloud this moment)…Mom I think I need to get back into yoga. (Never expected this one) And why do you think you need to deepen your practice because you never really left, you just pulled back and found more interest in other things which is normal. Well, I’ve been watching you. (Yikes) You’ve been through some REALLY hard times over the last few years. Through all of it, the tears, yelling (yes I yell at times), money issues, frustration, roadblocks, a broken heart and physical pain, you kept coming back to yoga. Even though you hurt, I could tell that deep down you were happy and just dealing with things without those things dragging you down deep inside. (WTH????? I never knew she was looking at me THAT closely. Suddenly I felt like a science experiment. Lol.)
Well, you’re always welcome to come with me when I teach. I don’t force you because your practice has to come from inside of you and no amount of pressure from me will make it stick. Besides sometimes we have to hurt to want a change. I felt a little relief from her as her eyes softened, her shoulders relaxed a bit. As she looked out the window she said OK I’ll go where you teach and I’ll use that as my practice place. I have to get better before I can go to Anuttara Yoga Shala. I laughed and said no one is judging you. They recognize that you showed up and then they focus on their own practice. I know but I have to be better before Philip sees me practice. (Another individual that has left a lasting yogic impression on her. Feeling so blessed and appreciative of the path I took and who I learned it from.) I let it go and figured enough lessons for someone so young this early in the morning.
I closed it up with Bail, the physical practice starts us but the real changes happen inside little by little. We change the way we behave, move, breathe, what we focus on and listen to. All of this brings about different choices and internal peace regardless of what’s going on outside of us. She hopped out of the car and I thought she had tuned me out as she focused on collecting her things. Before she closed the door she said, thank you for agreeing to be my guru again. My dispeller of darkness. Namaste mama…
Shit just got real for me…and now another level of depth begins as it always does once the lesson is learned.
Thank you for reading this. I hope it brings you peace, healing and inner awareness. For me it has brought a new level of compassion, commitment, rawness and humility.
All my love,
Wonderful post! :)
Check out Vikky’s blog, Yoga To Be Kidding and her website, Vikky Santana !